Marriage is one of the most thought provoking events in our lives. It comes with a lot of positive emotions, feelings, and action. Most of the times a couple to be know each other for sometime, gone to school together, lived together, have visited each others parents, gone to trips and a lot of other fun things. Definitely a lot expense are involved. The parents of both sides will begin to dream of becoming grandparents. Honeymoon will pass quickly and groom and bride just touching the real life and all the good and bad that comes with it. From the moment that the marriage certificate is signed a long the way something happened that causes gradual crumbling of new couple relationships and bitterness replace sweetness. Calm and reason are being replaced by anger and irrationality and before you know it there is custody fight, alimony and visitation rights and pay to attorney service expense for divorce certificate.
1. Some individuals are not made for marriage and they follow their instinct rather than their wisdom, maturity and responsibility that comes with marriage, either they are incapable or not trying hard to achieve it and make it work.
2. They do not understand that there is a big difference between marital and sexual relationships, so before preparing of themselves (emotionally financially and otherwise) the couple found themselves with a couple innocent children and future full of uncertainty.
3. Culture incompetence: being from broken family, not being raised in a family with love and affection, early involvement with addiction and abuse present them a vicious cycle of events that make their life a hell for themselves and everybody around them and then the society have the burden of caring for these innocent victims.
I would like to conclude this brief with a few advices for future couples:
1. Compatibility (culture, believes, and education ect…)
2. Getting to know each other and families (before commitment)
3. Openness and honesty with each other
4. Appreciate the Initial eye to eye contact and gut feeling
5. Believe in yourself rather than being intimedated forced or as a unknown desire that may not be a wise thing to do.
6. Respect and love
7. Having a complete medical and psychological and genetic evaluation as pre condition to go to deeper level
8. Companionship and communication and remembering that you wife or husband are you friend and in need of your love, compassion, and eye to eye contact
9. Children are human beings no object for trade.
Always remember in order to have a successful marriage we have to work hard on it day in day out and your wife or husband are not a reflection of your imagination in T.V screen rather a sensitive human being next to your heart and emotion that need to be nourished and cared for,if our intention is keeping our spouse rather than the color box called television.
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The Child-Focused Divorce
BONDS: ON RELATIONSHIP
Source: Elizabeth Bernstein
When Brian Sibley and Rachael Brownell sat down at their kitchen table to discuss getting a divorce, they agreed on one thing: They wanted to minimize the damage the split would do to their daughters.
Mr. Sibley and Ms. Brownell, who had been married for six years, each went through their own parents’ divorces at the age of 10 and had felt torn between two parents. The two agreed to spare the girls that experience by focusing on their needs.
They told the 4-year-old and the 7-year-old twins that they would all still be a family but that families don’t always live together. “We wanted to acknowledge this is a heartbreak, and this is not how we saw things going, but we still love you,” says Ms. Brownell, a 43-year-old author from Bellingham, Wash. She recalls feeling lonely and embarrassed and never discussing her parents’ divorce with them—feelings she didn’t want her own daughters to have to repeat.
“Children can absolutely thrive after a divorce, but it takes work” on the parents’ part, says Christy Buchanan, professor of psychology at Wake Forest University and co-author of “Adolescents After Divorce.”
The divorce of parents has been blamed for children’s behavior problems, poor grades in school and even trouble in their own romantic relationships as adults. One study says the intensity of conflict between parents is one of the best predictors of how kids will do after a divorce.
There is some good news: The divorce rate, which peaked around 1980, is at its lowest level since 1970. Still, some 1.1 million U.S. children, or 1.5%, lived with a parent who had divorced in the previous year, according to the Census Bureau’s Marital Events of Americans: 2009 survey.
Alicia Cashman, who is 45 and married, says she felt “profound sadness” when she was 13 and her parents told her they were divorcing. She and her three siblings stayed with their father, a professor at a local community college, because he had a flexible work schedule.
She was surprised to find she missed her parents’ arguments. “There was something warm about the fighting, compared with the silence,” she recalls. But soon she realized something important: Both parents were still in her life every day. Her mother moved half a mile away and kept a key to the family house, popping in to bring dinner, clean, monitor homework or make sure the kids were in bed. On holidays, she prepared big meals at the house for everyone, even her ex-husband.
Five years after their divorce, Ms. Cashman’s parents remarried each other, divorcing a second time after seven years. “Things can get better,” Ms. Cashman says. “There is always the possibility of reconnecting, as my parents continued to do throughout their relationship.”
“Children come into the room and hear other kids talking and realize they are not alone,” Mr. Lee says.
Mary Ann Aronsohn, a Los Angeles marriage and family therapist, says parents should think of co-parenting as a business venture and treat their ex-spouse as they would a colleague or a client. Would you yell at a client, denigrate him to others or call him at home at all hours? Don’t do it to your ex, either.
Ms. Aronsohn suggests divorcing couples create a parenting plan, detailing not only child-custody arrangements but also how to make joint parenting decisions.
It may include a “short story” explaining to the children why the marriage ended—”We loved each other very much in the beginning and hoped we could make a life together that would last forever, but we were wrong. You had no fault in this. While we will have different households, we think we will do a better job at being parents”—and a “mission statement” describing how they hope to behave.
“This gives kids the freedom to love both parents,” Ms. Aronsohn says.
Some divorcing parents agree to maintain a child’s routine—foods, mealtimes, story time, bedtime—in each household. They may record minutes of meetings with their therapist so they won’t forget the things they have agreed on.
To minimize conflict, they communicate via email and address just one or two issues at a time. Family counselors remind parents not to take what a child says as the gospel truth.
Experts also advise divorcing parents to say nice things about each other. “It doesn’t cost anything to say, ‘Your dad has such a great sense of humor and your laugh is just like his and I love hearing it,’ ” Ms. Aronsohn says.
Tell children you hope they have a good time with daddy this weekend—it frees them up to enjoy themselves and feel less conflicted.
Don’t confide your anger or your grief to your child. Communicate directly with your ex, not through the kids. Don’t ask them to carry messages back and forth, even neutral ones, like, “Tell Mommy to pick you up at 6 p.m.” If the message makes Mom feel bad, the child will feel guilty. With small children, a notebook or log that travels back and forth with the child can help parents record and keep track of details.
Learning the Five Cs to Shield Kids
In the midst of a divorce, parents who want to spare their children from emotional damage should pay attention to these practices, according to Christy Buchanan, psychology professor at Wake Forest University.
Closeness: Children who remain close to both parents in a divorce are best off, research shows. Being close with one parent was better than neither. To maintain closeness, routine activities (homework, brushing teeth) and special treats (movies, vacations) with each parent are important.
Care giving: Care giving encapsulates everything from bathing a child to teaching her how to ride a bike. ‘This should be loving and responsive, as well as have age-appropriate limits, expectations and demands,’ Dr. Buchanan says.
Conflict: The most important way parents can protect children from the bad effects of divorce is to minimize fighting and refrain from denigrating each other. Studies have shown that children of divorce who felt torn between their parents were the least well off.
Change: Children thrive with stability and routine. Try to minimize change. If possible, keep children in the same house and school. Maintain consistent rules in both households. When a change is coming, warn children what to expect and be open and understanding of their feelings regarding it.
Cash: Children seem to do best when they have the same standard of living in both parents’ households. It can be emotionally damaging when one parent provides gifts and luxuries and the other has trouble making ends meet. This is one of the reasons for alimony and child support.